April/May update

Yeah, it's been awhile. I guess for a few reasons. First being that Honey is home now (not at school). I dont really want her to know about this (that I write here). I dont want her to be curious and want to read this stuff. I dont want her to realize I dont know what to freaking to next. I dont want her to know I am scared. I dont want her to realize that actually nobody is in control of what is going on and there really are no answers. So I stay off here.

Also, because there seem to be no real answers (I have searched)... theories/thoughts maybe, but no facts, I started to feel like I was digging myself into a trench... that all I could focus on was what the hell are we going to do. I have to push forward and I cant afford to let this consume me. So, by not writing everyday (or frequently) it has allowed me a space to breathe and not feel consumed. I was getting no where in that mode, except p*issed off, freaked out and very overwhelmed-- and I found there was nothing to do with those emotions in this situation- who the hell do I throw my anger at? Pfizer? Yeah, I think they care. Her doctor? That will work-- then how the hell do I get this damn drug, if doctor feels my fury?

Well, enough of that... my heart is racing again.
I needed to document this ordeal Honey went through so I can keep all of the pieces together.
She/we wanted to finally start reducing this poison. We decided to wait until prom was over (she was beautiful, by the way, her boyfriend was very handsome and they had a wonderful time!... wish I could post a picture, but then I mess with her privacy). The day after prom, we had decided to begin. Since she is not in school, we decided that a 10% cut would be okay. Actually a 10% would have been closer to 4mg and we cut 3mg. 3mg... I wish I would have saved a little morsel (or taken a picture) of what 3mg's of her dose looks like... it is pretty tiny.
Sunday April 29th:
am: Honey takes the reduced dosage (34.5 mg... probably more)
seems fine throughout the day
pm: taking a walk with boyfriend and suddenly feels like she is going to vomit. Can hardly get home. Finally home, white as a sheet and begins vomiting. Continues pretty frequently for 2+ hours. She is clammy and cold. Has a bad headache.
Monday April 30th
am: Feels like hell. We have not yet put the vomiting and headache together as a withdrawal reaction. body AND bones hurt. She does not want to be touched. It is too loud. Headache through the night remains. She takes a reduced dose of zoloft (34.5mg... prob. more) and some tylenol.
throughout the day/evening: Continues to feel nauseous. Ate some crackers with the zoloft. She is exhaused beyond comprehension. Does not even get up from couch... hardly even moves No vomiting. She is dizzy. Diarrhea in evening. She is sad (emotional) and upset. She is crying a lot. I know now that she is having withdrawal symptoms. These are much more severe than I expected at less than a 10% cut and so soon. I gave her 1/2 of the morning cut (1.5mg) in the early evening. Missed color guard practice ( there was no way she could have gone even if I thought it was safe for her to leave home-- she was not stable at all) Slept with me
Tuesday: May 1st
am: does not feel well (same symptoms continue) a lot more of the emotional symptoms now too. Is kind of in a zombie like state much of the time. Takes zoloft (minus a 1.5mg cut... we decided (I decided) that 3mgs was too much for her right now and went down to less than a 5% reduction with the 1.5mg cut).
mid afternoon... she has a meeting with her tutor today (part of being homebound from school) and she thinks she is okay to go (? or feels like she should?). Boyfriend comes afterschool (30 min before she needs to leave for tutor) Boyfriend comes upstairs to get me and says "You better come down, I think she needs you". She is CRYING uncontrollable on the couch. She is PURPLE and sweat is pouring off of her. I held her for a while and said that I thought we needed to stop this reduction. I went and got the little morsel (1.5mg... more like a flake) from that mornings cut and she took it. I called the tutor and cancelled. Boyfriend stayed with her until I was done with work for the day. She slept/cried for the rest of the day... I sat with her. She told me/showed me later what she had done to her bedroom door... put a hole/break in it with her open hand. She did it out of frustration/anger that she could not find a needed paper for her tutor. She is not an angry person and has never shown violence, especially like this. She said she felt out of control when it happened.
so, needless to say, stopping the reduction at that point was the only choice. It took her several days to get to a point where she felt okay physically. I dont know if she is even at baseline emotionally even now... sometimes I see her, but much of the time she seems blunted.

Has been seeing a new therapist (along with woman from the sexual assault center). She will also start group therapy at the assault center this tuesday.
I think she is getting close to filing a police report.
Since she is missing from school there are a lot of rumors of course... the two main ones are that Honey is preg or that she is insane. She didn't care for either of these. Her friends and boyfriend know the truth... She has had medication issues, yes, but I think the main issue for her was the repeated sightings of that assh*le at school. And that kid roams the halls like no tomorrow. Her boyfriend/friends wanted to know what they should/could say when others asked where Honey was (why isn't she in school?) Honey asked therapist what she should do about the rumors. Therapist said it was okay if Honey felt comfortable, to let people know the truth... if someone asked they didn't need details but there was no reason to continue protecting this creepy idiot who did this. So people beyond her safe circle know.
Now the creepy idiot has had the stupidity to go to the school liaison office and complain that no longer do people think Honey is insane or pregnant, but know the truth about what happened. I told Honey, that as soon as she feels up to it, she needs to get together a time-line type record of what happened. I feel like she might get pressured into a police report soon. She was hoping to wait until school was out for the summer (as she really wants to return to school for the last few weeks) but I am not sure if that is going to happen.