Wednesday, February 28, 2007

sertraline... trying to get an rx for liquid Zoloft

Well,
Refilled Honey's rx-- and the pharmacy switched something because the sertraline tablet is shaped differently... kind of oval with ends that are quite narrow (had been getting tablets that were oblong). I am finding this shape and tablet itself very hard to cut.
Since Honey is taking 37.5mg/day we had been cutting tablets and seemed to be doing a good job of it... not any longer.
So I decided to start titrating the drug in liquid and would measure accordingly. This dang drug does not dissolve in anything I have tried (though I have not tried alcohol yet- last resort, I guess) I have tried water- hot/cold, 7-up, tea, seltzer water... and I just get a cloudy mess- even after stirring and mixing several minutes, there is drug clinging to the sides of the measuring cup and it settles fairly quickly to the bottom.
We are going to march right in to the clinic and talk about getting an rx for Zoloft in a liquid form. In the end, if we succeed, it will make it much easier when Honey is ready to start reducing.
I hope we get through to the doctor - I hope she (doc) is open to my request and understands the need. It would relieve so much stress and I know would make this whole long process easier as far as dosages. Once Honey is ready, we will start with 5% reductions, not reducing again until she is grounded and feels just as stable as when we started. If we have to wait weeks/months for this to happen, so be it. Once school is out for the summer, I might try a 10% reduction and see how she tolerates it.
Glad to get this down.

world turned upside-down but set back a little straighter- Part 2

Well,
although my heart hurt and I felt and unbelievable rage, I kept it together for Honey. I was "unshocked" (as I have told to react to most anything she says) and I think she felt accepted and loved and she knew it was the right thing to tell me.
The next day, I found some most wonderful, caring, compasionate help for Honey. That very day a dear sweet woman sat with Honey and listened and listened and listened.
I think Honey lost 10 pounds of burden in those 2 hours.
Honey will meet with this great helper every week until Honey is ready to move on.
I KNOW Honey will heal.
I think she is on the right road now.
I know there will be ups and downs.
I know she is not out of the woods... but at least we can see the clearing.
It might be far away, but we can see the sun, the clearing is there.

Monday, February 26, 2007

world turned upside-down but set back a little straighter

wow, what a couple of weeks. A lot has happened. a lot of hard, good things.
Making a l o n g story a bit shorter, Honey and I had a great conversation and within the conversation my sweet, lovely Honey let me in on some horrors of her past year and a half. Let me know just what it was that led us to seek the Dr. help with symptoms of depression.
That horrid boy that she called a boyfriend last year raped her early in their relationship.
Then, she went to her "best friends" for help and support, kindness and a shoulder... and she got shut down, ignored, called a liar and worse.
So she went back to "Icky" as I like to call this creepy "boyfriend" who managed to use the fact that she now had no friends to brainwash her into thinking she "needed" him just as he "needed" her. That they were meant for each other, that he needed "help" and she was the only one who "understood" him and the only one who could help him. He knew all the right things to say and do to "keep" her and control her.
He continued to abuse and assault her. I had NO idea. She really didn't give any indication that SHE was unhappy with HIM (it was her friends that were causing the most pain, she would say, and HE was "helping" her through it) and everytime I tried to talk to her about their relationship she denied any problems, she never admitted to feeling that he was overbearing or controlling and couldn't stand the idea of "breaking up" with him. I spent most of the school year last year and a good deal of the summer trying to "wake" Honey up and get her out of his control.
Finally she saw the light (many people flipped the switch on and off, but it was something she had to "see" for herself, I guess).
Actually, late this summer/early part of the school year is when I finally filed for and was granted a restraining order on Honey's behalf.
Maybe the pain got too great? Maybe it was too much to try to bear alone? I know God intervened, stepped in. It became clear to me that Honey needed help with something. She finally shared it- at first just sharing the inital attack, then a few days later able to talk about how the assaults both sexual assaults and emotional abuse continued throughout the relationship.
That bastard.
Given the opportunity, I would make sure he would never hurt another living thing- ever.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

soulful sepulcher: I took a walk; You have mental illness and medication , now what?

soulful sepulcher: I took a walk; You have mental illness and medication , now what?

Well, once again, Stephany seemed to have the right words for me today. I love the concept of "mindfulness" -- for myself and to share it with Honey.
More often than not, my mind is in the past or in the future and hardly has any idea what is currently going on. I do feel that "life is passing me by" and I am letting it. If I try, I know I can change the way I live and in practicing a more mindful existance, share it with my family as well.
I have so enjoyed reading (and putting into practice) Peace in Every Step (Thich Nhat Hanh)-- it all makes sense in a simple yet very spiritual way.
Focus on my breathing... such a simple thing- but it seems to make me ever so aware of ME and allows me to actually FEEL me and then I slowly feel some of the tension leave and fill those spots with a sort of calm or peace. lovely

Befrienders Worldwide

Befrienders Worldwide
I want to keep this handy:
Listening Skills
This is something I need to be sure I am practicing ALWAYS, I know I get caught up in my own thoughts and often while listening to someone else, instead of LISTENING, I find myself responding/reacting in my mind to what is being said -- instead of listening and THEN composing my response.
I have to remember as well, that not everything needs a response... sometimes I would be better to keep my mouth shut.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Husband "waking up"?

I think maybe my husband is waking up to the fact that we have a situation that he can't sleep through. He has agreed to "read" Breggin's "Your Drug May Be Your Problem". Most likely he will not read cover to cover but hopefully will read enough so he can realize that these issues are not all in "Honey's" mind... and maybe he will understand that his suggestion to just stop taking the Zoloft (cold turkey) would do more damage.
He carries on like this is all my problem since I was the one who initiated the first appointment to the doctor with Honey's sadness. I was the one who started it. Well, maybe I did, but it was out of concern and I had no idea that it would lead to all of this.
I hope he will gain something from reading so he will (Well, I guess I first hope he will take some time to READ and hear the message)
I hope he can finally help me and Honey by sharing the burden.

Stephany's Soulful Sepulcher

I have been reading (on the edge of my seat with copy and paste in full use), Stephany's "Soulful Sepulcher" blog. As sorry as I am that any of us have to go through this crap, I cant explain how good it feels to "interact" with another mom who is dealing with some of this same stuff (having a child on psychiatric meds/getting a child off/helping a child feel whole again). Her daughter took Zoloft once upon a time. Her road has been a long one. She has been a hope to me and an inspiration. She sounds so strong and wise. I think she gained a lot of it as she went through trials that came close to touching hell. I am so thankful she is willing to share.

We turned out a good weekend

Our weekend was good... calm, peaceful and together.
Honey was home with us on Saturday-- all day and evening too.
It was nice to just be together. Honey wanted to make dinner for us... she thought for a while and said "I think I will make 'Papa Murphy's' pizza" (a take and bake pizza)... a true home cooked meal, lol.
We had some nice conversations-- one about her friends (sweet girls) and how much they mean to Honey. Friends had been one of the issues that put Honey in her intial long bout of sadness (the ended her up on Zoloft to begin with) Now she has some true friends, the kind she was searching so desperately for over a year ago. I just hope she doesn't do or say something "zolofty" that cause these girls to back away. She is realizing (through help from me) that she does say and do "stupid" things without thought-- not terribly frequent, but enough to worry about. I dont think she knows it is coming nor do I think she has any control over it??? She never acted in these ways prior to Zoloft.
Girls can be so dang mean to each other-- I remember it. Honey was looking for friends that cared more about what they wore and the color of their nail polish, she was looking for friends that cared about *everyone*, who were not afraid to be who they really were and still accepted you if you sat next to "a loser" during lunch.

Honey had a quest going on Sunday that started after she realized the prom dress she planned to buy was "gone". She and Superman (Honey's boyfriend) had plans to go pick it up on Sunday after he was done with work. She spent a couple hours trying to track down another (same dress/size) at every imaginable store, with no luck. She survived. I was proud of myself for just letting go of it-- letting her handle it, make the calls and such that she felt she needed to do. I have been known to "do it for her" as a way to hope to reduce her stress, but in the end, she seemed no worse for the wear.
Superman came over on Sunday and once he was here, must have invited Honey over to his house to have dinner with his family. Honey declined but felt bad that she didn't want to go.
Superman's stepdad sounds like a creep (from the way Honey talks of him and Superman has mentioned a couple of incidents that let me know things are not all together healthy over there)
Honey and Superman have been dating seriously for 8 months. For some reason (maybe the reason being that step dad seems to want to control everyone and everything?) step dad dislikes Honey and does not approve of her. He will make comments that air these thoughts whenever he feels like it and Honey finds it hurtful (I find it abusive). Honey seems to feel that Superman's mom likes and approves of her just fine, but because of Mr. Control Freak (step dad) Honey is just not accepted.
I think we need to consider whether going over to Superman's house **at all** is a good place for Honey (she dislikes meals because mealtime is when she has to interact with step-dad, but does go over at other times).
I have been watching Superman closely over the months to be sure he doesn't act controlling or abusive in any way towards Honey (or anyone). He is supportive of Honey and she considers him to be one of her "safe people". I enjoy visiting with him and he seems geniune in his feeling for Honey.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I love the weekend

I am glad for another weekend.
I hope it will be quiet.
and calm
and peaceful.
I hope for no drama, no tears or anger
I hope we can find some joy
and some time to be together.
I hope to gather the girls for a nice "Red Letter Bible Meeting" as they have affectionately called our time of Bible study and prayer. I think they like it. I know I do. I never would have imagined that "Tootsie" (what I will call the youngest as I blog) would enjoy it so much. I read all of Phillipians to her last night (NLT) and she sighed at the end and said "God will tell my heart what it meant"
I think that Honey and I will shop for a short bit today-- time alone and time to enjoy (I hope... it wasn't more than a few months ago, that she had a severe panic attack while shopping with me-- the mall/shops were so crowded and noisy with holiday shoppers and she really was so ungrounded to begin with at that point)
Honey was gone most of the day afterschool and evening, though I had a chance to visit with she and her boyfriend, "Superman" (what I will call Honey's boyfriend as I blog). I catch glimpses of the "real" Honey, from behind the Zoloft fog every so often. Yesterday was not one of those times. Yesterday, she seemed a bit manic Sometimes, I wonder if she puts on a "happy show" for my benefit- so that I wont worry. ((I have seen in Honey a couple of times, however, what seemed to be an actual manic state, when she was on 25mg of Zoloft (before we increased it to 37.5mg). I need to remember to document this here (I have it documented... but would like to have everything in one spot)). Maybe I question her too often about how her "heart" feels. Or ask her if she is being true to herself when she doesn't want to think about it. My use of "Are you being true to yourself" started about a month ago. I noticed with the eyes that are in the back of my head (actually they have grown to cover my head now... and they dont blink much anymore either) and my motherly insticts (might have also been the manic behavior Honey was displaying (that seemed to go hand in hand with impulsive behavior) that tipped me off??) that she was involved in another of her "impulsive/rumor causing situations" and sure enough, I was correct. We talked about it, she denied nothing, and seemed truly perplexed as to why she would act in such a way/"say" (actually instant message) the things she did (things that damage relationships and damage her reputation) It is almost like she has no conscious control over some of her actions? We talked about being true to ourselves. I told her I would be checking in with this aspect of her life by asking her if she was being "true to herself" and that she could also look over her actions on a daily basis as see if she were being true to the person she is... I am hoping that if she/we catch these situations early enough, I can help her steer clear of potentially damaging situations.
She (Honey) has problems with doing and saying impulsive things-- all started last year a couple months on Zoloft
In "The Antidepressant Solution" (Joseph Glenmullen MD) which I am reading now (just about done), Glenmullen talks about impulsivity (disinhibititon) as a side effect of SSRI's. Though I have very limited knowledge about SSRI's/their side effects/withdrawal, I am trying to educate myself best I can. Glenmullen's mentioning impulsivity and disinhibition as a side effect of SSRI's was when I first learned that Honey's impulsive behavior (frequent episodes) might just be related to the Zoloft. I felt so relieved that this behavior might be the drug and NOT Honey at all!! I ran this by our "helper" (the absolute saint who is helping Honey prepare for withdrawal and who I hope will also be "with" us once we actually begin to taper)-- are these "things" that Honey has done in the recent past related to the Zoloft? and she said, "Of course it's the drug. People cannot be themselves on these drugs. While this is all stunning to you, believe me, it is a story heard every day." (said by our "Helper")
This Zoloft really sucks... but I know that my real, true Honey will get through this and come out lovely and real on the other side of it.
Maybe someday, my thoughts will be less scattered. I am glad to be writing though, because I have so much I want to get down. Once I have all the words down that I have seemingly saved in my heart and mind, maybe writing will be easier for me to follow.
the writing feels good... like I am sharing it with someone-- sharing the burden in a way.

WITHDRAWAL OF TRUTH

WITHDRAWAL OF TRUTH

This is David Taylor's Truth withdrawal paper.
Again, my frustration with the doctors.... frustration with OUR family doctor/clinic that I have trusted for so long. That I trusted when it was suggested that an antidepressant would be the best and most helpful thing for Honey. Sure, you can try counseling, the doctor said. Counseling might be most helpful in these early weeks before the Zoloft has a chance to "kick in".
Counseling WAS the answer, I see that now.
Zoloft only makes you need more Zoloft, and to get more you need to see the doctor... and the cycle continues. Pay money for the Zoloft and pay more money to get more Zoloft.
Counseling was where they helped Honey help herself. Helped her figure out fresh ways to handle stress and handle situations that made her feel sad. Counseling was where they helped Honey better learn how to be true to herself.... Zoloft just made her "false" almost. On Zoloft, Honey is NOT herself, no matter how true she tries to be... that Zoloft just creeps back in. Honey has done and said so many foreign things (foreign to the person she really is) while on Zoloft (and during the first withdrawal). When we talk about these things, she has NO IDEA why she said or did "that" (whatever it was).
Counseling, Doctor, should have been the ONLY thing you prescribed... but instead, you prescribed more sadness and also a whole bunch more detrimental things. You know, what I really wish the doctor would have said that day I brought my then 14 year old "Honey" in to talk about her feelings of sadness... I wish she would have said (reminded me of) that being a teen is HARD work, there are a lot of new hormones, emotions, experiences etc... life is HARD and teens are at a stage where they are experiementing with adulthood. What teens really need is a caring, loving adult who is not going to judge them, who is not going to be shocked by what they have to share, who is going to LISTEN and allow them to sort out their feelings/emotions in a safe, nonjudgmental environment. Encourage Honey to journal, maybe learn to meditate together, prayer, exercise... There is so much our family doctor COULD have said that would have done wonders, I feel to combat Honey's sadness. But it is not the way of the medical world... medicate, medicate, medicate.
It is hard to bring my kiddos to the doctor now, but at least I know now that I have a right to question their advice and seek other opinions, as doctors are NOT all knowing, nor are they all caring.

Friday, February 9, 2007

I have GOT to talk with Honey about this: depression introspection: In the hospital

depression introspection: In the hospital: "Recite a self-positive affirmation in the morning and meditate on it through the day"
I have got to learn more about positive thought and affirmation!

Thursday, February 8, 2007

withdrawal symptoms called "return of depression" by doctor

Honey, my daughter was having extreme crying spells, seemed so anxious, unable to fall asleep or stay asleep once she finally did, unable to concentrate or focus on simple tasks, poor appetite and strange and vivid dreams and nightmares. She also later described what we now feel were panic attacks- especially in loud, visually stimulating environments (school, shopping malls). Her symptoms were *different* than the inital symptoms she experienced that led us to medical help. Sure, the symptoms *could* have been considered depression (until one sees the larger picture)
So, still as naive as ever about SSRI antidepressants, we returned to the doctor who originally prescribed Zoloft. The doctor asked Honey (my daughters psuedo name for this blog) about her symptoms, when they "returned" and thought it a good idea to restart the antidepressant. Honey started at 25mg, (though was prescribed 50mg/day) took her first dose that evening and by the next morning her symptoms had improved drastically. The drastic change (for the better) in Honey's symptoms shook me a bit. Antidepressants generally take a few weeks to provide relief of symptoms and 12 hours later, my daughter seemed like a new person. It made me think of a drug user, desperately trying to get a fix and finally.... relief when more of their drug of choice is found. Was my daughter somehow addicted to Zoloft (it is non-addictive so the drug information says!)? Did her body somehow *need* this drug? That was when my search for information began.
Though the crying spells became less frequent and less dramatic once back on the Zoloft, many of the other symptoms remained and the panic attacks became more dramatic.
I started gaining information-- I started to understand that Honey's current symptoms were most likely related to withdrawal rather than "depression". I also started to understand more about the effects of SSRI's on the human brain, emotions and inhibitions.
I also found a someone who had so much experience helping people get off of these medications and go forward to live a "normal" life. Without her, I am not sure where my daughter Honey would be.... mostlikely taking a lot more antidepressants with symptoms only getting worse.
We are still in the midst of a nightmare, but now feel we have the support that our doctor failed to give.
We are working to prepare Honey physically, mentally and spiritually to begin withdrawaling from Zoloft. I wanted to have a place to document the "journey" -- maybe only to have a record for my daughter later on? or maybe someone else will be encouraged or benefitted by her experience. I dont know, but I do know that I felt compelled to write.
It is a hard road, as a parent, to travel. Many nights I would wake from nightmares of suicide. I would hurry to Honey's room, half expecting to find her hanging in her closet or some other nightmare-- always thankful to find her (peacefully?) asleep.
I read of many horror stories of teens on antidepressants full of violence and tragic endings. I cant find yet, a story of a teen no longer using antidepressants with a happy ending. I hope to have one to share. As for now, I know that the hardest might be ahead of us. I constantly think of how much I want to take this trial away from her and wear it on my back instead. What a way to start your life.... brain already scrambled by a drug that was supposed to "help".

In the Beginning

Being a parent is challenging... each stage has its challenges and special joys. Being a mom to my children is a priviledge and an honor and I feel blessed beyond measure.
Being a teen is challenging as well. I remember the ups and downs I experienced years ago. I remember certain painful memories like they happened yesterday. When my daughter (I will call her Honey) came back from a retreat and said "I think I have depression", I had two opposing thoughts- "No, not my daughter!" and "Yes, I bet you do". I had seen the symptoms for a while... a general "blue" attitude, a struggle with school work, crying and crying, and several challenging situations and circumstances that we didn't have seem to have answers for or ways to cope with them.
We as consumers are bombarded with commercials (courtesy of the pharmaceutical companies) about depression, "chemical imbalances" in the brain, so when we experience emotion other than happiness or joy and tell our "doctor" about it, doctors are quick to prescribe an "antidepressant" (because they are bombarded by the pharmaceutical companies and the drug company claims of how wonderful the "new" antidepressants are).
So, my daughter and I (as good sheeple do) went to the doctor to get "help" with my daughter's symptoms. In 10 minutes my daughter was prescribed 50 mg of Zoloft/day. Zoloft has not been approved by the FDA to treat depression. The "doctor" reassured us that it is a gentle drug, not something one can become addicted to... and it will just "level you out". The doctor used a hand motion showing the ups and downs of "depression" (normal human emotion) and then a hand motion that was just a level wave of her hand to show how Zoloft would help "level out" Honey's emotions. Well, her emotions are not just leveled out... they are pretty much gone. She tends to react to much of life with a flat mood. While on the Zoloft, Honey did not experience those crying jags that worried us before.... but she doesn't experience much emotion at all. At least not in a normal way. I asked the "doctor" about counseling and she said "That would be fine, but I think she will really like the Zoloft" or something like that. So, instead of really taking the time to find out WHAT might have been causing Honey's depressive symptoms and taking the time to realize what she was experiencing was something that would have BENEFITTED from counseling, she thanked us for coming and let us know that we would need to check back in within the next couple weeks. NEVER did I hear about the increased risk for suicide, never did I hear about actual SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors- a class of antidepressants) side effects (when I asked about side effects, I was told that Honey might experience an occasional headache or stomach ache, but these symptoms would go away once her body got "use to" the medication). How a body gets "use to" SSRI's is another story all together... but in short, your body just changes the structure of your BRAIN as a way of getting "use to" these medications. I think a lobotomy is another treatment that also changes the structure of the brain. Zoloft might be another word for lobotomy.... maybe we could call SSRI's a form of "chemical lobotomy". I had no idea when I filled that first prescription for Zoloft that my daughter could be changed for life-- when I look in the patient information I got, it doesn't mention that either.
Well, Honey started the Zoloft (50mg/day) January of 2006 and continued taking it until July of 2006 when we decided as a family that she seemed more grounded, had some great friends and some better coping skills. Honey was scheduled for a school sports physical so we talked to the doctor then about discontinuing the Zoloft. We were told to "wean off very slowly"... she likes to tell people to cut the dose in half for a few weeks and then take that half dose every other day for a few weeks and then stop taking the medication. I asked (yes, I had to ask) why the dosage should be decreased so slowly and the doctor said that Honey might experience some headaches or nausea. I asked if it would hurt to go a little slower and she said that would be fine, so Honey tapered off Zoloft in 6 weeks- 3 weeks at 25mg and 3 weeks at 25mg every other day and then she was "done". Done that is, until the withdrawal side effects showed up. Those withdrawal side effects are why SSRI's are some of the biggest selling drugs- we buy them not because we want to, but because we HAVE to. Will share in another post.