I love the weekend

I am glad for another weekend.
I hope it will be quiet.
and calm
and peaceful.
I hope for no drama, no tears or anger
I hope we can find some joy
and some time to be together.
I hope to gather the girls for a nice "Red Letter Bible Meeting" as they have affectionately called our time of Bible study and prayer. I think they like it. I know I do. I never would have imagined that "Tootsie" (what I will call the youngest as I blog) would enjoy it so much. I read all of Phillipians to her last night (NLT) and she sighed at the end and said "God will tell my heart what it meant"
I think that Honey and I will shop for a short bit today-- time alone and time to enjoy (I hope... it wasn't more than a few months ago, that she had a severe panic attack while shopping with me-- the mall/shops were so crowded and noisy with holiday shoppers and she really was so ungrounded to begin with at that point)
Honey was gone most of the day afterschool and evening, though I had a chance to visit with she and her boyfriend, "Superman" (what I will call Honey's boyfriend as I blog). I catch glimpses of the "real" Honey, from behind the Zoloft fog every so often. Yesterday was not one of those times. Yesterday, she seemed a bit manic Sometimes, I wonder if she puts on a "happy show" for my benefit- so that I wont worry. ((I have seen in Honey a couple of times, however, what seemed to be an actual manic state, when she was on 25mg of Zoloft (before we increased it to 37.5mg). I need to remember to document this here (I have it documented... but would like to have everything in one spot)). Maybe I question her too often about how her "heart" feels. Or ask her if she is being true to herself when she doesn't want to think about it. My use of "Are you being true to yourself" started about a month ago. I noticed with the eyes that are in the back of my head (actually they have grown to cover my head now... and they dont blink much anymore either) and my motherly insticts (might have also been the manic behavior Honey was displaying (that seemed to go hand in hand with impulsive behavior) that tipped me off??) that she was involved in another of her "impulsive/rumor causing situations" and sure enough, I was correct. We talked about it, she denied nothing, and seemed truly perplexed as to why she would act in such a way/"say" (actually instant message) the things she did (things that damage relationships and damage her reputation) It is almost like she has no conscious control over some of her actions? We talked about being true to ourselves. I told her I would be checking in with this aspect of her life by asking her if she was being "true to herself" and that she could also look over her actions on a daily basis as see if she were being true to the person she is... I am hoping that if she/we catch these situations early enough, I can help her steer clear of potentially damaging situations.
She (Honey) has problems with doing and saying impulsive things-- all started last year a couple months on Zoloft
In "The Antidepressant Solution" (Joseph Glenmullen MD) which I am reading now (just about done), Glenmullen talks about impulsivity (disinhibititon) as a side effect of SSRI's. Though I have very limited knowledge about SSRI's/their side effects/withdrawal, I am trying to educate myself best I can. Glenmullen's mentioning impulsivity and disinhibition as a side effect of SSRI's was when I first learned that Honey's impulsive behavior (frequent episodes) might just be related to the Zoloft. I felt so relieved that this behavior might be the drug and NOT Honey at all!! I ran this by our "helper" (the absolute saint who is helping Honey prepare for withdrawal and who I hope will also be "with" us once we actually begin to taper)-- are these "things" that Honey has done in the recent past related to the Zoloft? and she said, "Of course it's the drug. People cannot be themselves on these drugs. While this is all stunning to you, believe me, it is a story heard every day." (said by our "Helper")
This Zoloft really sucks... but I know that my real, true Honey will get through this and come out lovely and real on the other side of it.
Maybe someday, my thoughts will be less scattered. I am glad to be writing though, because I have so much I want to get down. Once I have all the words down that I have seemingly saved in my heart and mind, maybe writing will be easier for me to follow.
the writing feels good... like I am sharing it with someone-- sharing the burden in a way.